TRYING TO MAKE PEACE WITH MY SORROW

LOVE, FAITH AND ANGER WERE ABOUT TO COLLIDE. Fear started to set in as of November 1991, when the phone call came in from Colin’s doctor and she said that she wanted to see us both in her office at eight o’clock in the evening to discuss Colin’s blood work results. Somehow you just know that this can’t be good news. LEUKEMIA. This is not what we expected to hear. We cried all the way home. When we arrived back at the house there was Colin coloring at the kitchen table. He looked up at me and asked “Dad, am I going to die?” “Don’t say such a thing Colin, of course not. But unfortunately, we have to have you at the hospital in the morning to start treatment for leukemia.” What’s that?” “There’s a problem with your blood.” And he replied “ok”. Then he went back to coloring. Chemo treatment started the next day. The doctors had a very difficult time but they finally got Colin into remission.

After more than a month’s stay in the hospital he was finally able to come home. It was nice getting life back to normal. Seeing Colin return to school was a joy. The next nine months we had lots of fun. And other than the occasional monthly trip to have his blood work checked you wouldn’t even know that he had leukemia.

September of 1992, he started to run a high fever once again. This gave us great concern because that was how things got started the first time around. Back to the hospital, more blood work, and unfortunately for us, he relapsed.

When we told Colin he had to return to the hospital to start treatment, I remembered him saying “It didn’t work the first time dad. And I don’t want to do it again.” “I understand and you were a real trooper the first time, and I was so proud of you but we don’t’ have a choice. We have to get you back into remission.” It was only on his third day of his treatment when things took a turn for the worse.

It was starting to get late on that third night, Colin’s mother came into the room, gave him a kiss and said “I love you Colin”. Colin replied, “I love you more Mom.” those were the last words he ever spoke to his mother. I noticed that Colin was about ready to fall asleep so I gave him a kiss and said “Goodnight”. I pulled a chair up next to his bed and went to sleep. Around 2:30 in the morning something woke me. I took one look at Colin and I knew he was in trouble. I remember the doctor said that his type of leukemia came back very aggressively. I didn’t expect this. I yelled down to the nurse’s station for help. I went over to Colin I gave him a kiss on the forehead and I whispered in his ear “I love you little buddy I don’t want you to leave me. But if you have to don’t be afraid.” Within a short period of time the room was full of nurses and doctors and they made me and my wife go out into the hallway. They did all they could. As his father I felt powerless there was nothing I could do. What happened to my promise that he wasn’t going to die?

It wasn’t long after the funeral I started doubting my faith. And then the anger towards God started. I felt that my faith of my youth had failed me. Your life just gets turned upside down. Nothing makes sense any more. I found myself starting to question is there a God? Does Jesus really exist? Does he really care? Or do we just wind up where we are suppose to be in this life? If I only had God’s power no child would die. As far as I was concerned God was obviously an unjust God. And I don’t want anything to do with him anymore. In one of my fits of anger I remember saying to the all mighty, “Your going to have to give me a reason or show me you exist. Or how bout one of those miracles? You haven’t done one of those in a while.”

And this kind of anger went on for a couple of years. I wanted more than you just bury your child and its back to work. I remember those days you are just wore out and tired of the empty feeling that your left with there’s nowhere to go and nowhere to turn. Somehow I had to find a way to make peace with my sorrow. And on top of everything I just threw God out of my life.

Love and fear seems to sum up the whole human experience. It’s either one or the other. And at that time I was tired of both. Then I met George Anderson.

Was this just a coincidence that George showed up twice in such a short period of time? I was just curious and wanted to know that my son was okay. I couldn’t never have imagined that I would have received so much more.

I’ll never forget the night that I had dinner with Mr. Anderson. When he mentioned that he sees Jesus from time to time I was shocked and surprised by that statement. This really got my attention.

When I first saw the completed portrait of Jesus I was amazed at who I was looking at. And all sorts of thoughts were going through my head in that moment. And I remember thinking ‘Well, maybe I should take back at least half of what I said about God and his son.’

Was Jesus reaching out to me to let me know that he really cares and that he does exists? I couldn’t help thinking of the old adage: When the student is ready the teacher will appear.

Well, he appeared alright. His picture is very powerful. The communication received from his image is also peaceful. In hindsight, I’m really glad that I was so curious. I probably should mention that even though I have lived through this experience I even find this to be odd that Jesus reached out to me in this way. I really love his image but somehow I don’t think it was meant just for me. So I think its time to share him with everyone.